Why People Who Push Your Buttons Are Good For You

Posted on Monday, December 15, 2008 by Lily Wong in Relating

You are fuming with anger. The funny thing is, what you are fuming about isn't even worth all the energy spent fuming it. It's all because your boss has assigned your colleague, who he favors more, to a job assignment that you wanted. You blame your boss for being unfair. And besides, you have never liked your boss anyway - he's crude, sloppy, has a horrible anger...at the end of the day, you have forgotten why you are so angry in the first place - but you are set on your new belief that your boss is a monster. And you are so angry you are ready to throw your laptop at him.

But guess what? You are angry because you are seeing yourself. You have caused your own anger; not your boss, your colleague or even the job assignment.

No wayyy, you cry in disbelief. Why would you do that to yourself?!

Ohh, yes way...here's why...

Mirror, Mirror on the Wall...
Everything you see in another that evokes a strong feeling in you is but something that resides inside you. Others can never cause you to feel anything - they can only trigger something that has already been there in the first place. We can never feel anything if it wasn't already in us. So whether someone 'made' you angry, happy or sad, those feelings are a reflection of your feelings inside. That's why everyone is said to be a mirror of who we are deep down.

For example, if you feel irritated by someone's desperate need for attention, chances are, it could be you yourself who have a deep but surpressed need for attention. However because you have rejected it (perhaps when you were very young) and eventually buried it within your psyche, you have forgotten that it's there in you. So as soon as you see someone else acting desperate and needy, that long-forgotten emotion is triggered, leading you to feel frustration, anger and sadness - even when you have no idea why!

Hidden Gems
What can you do when bad feelings crop up for no valid reason? Firstly, don't be so quick to shove it away - you'd end up adding layers of soil to what was buried in the first place. Just gently acknowledge it.

For instance, taking the case above, you can just give a mental nod saying you are feeling irritated/angry/sad at that moment. Breathe deeply until you feel a little better and clearer. Remember: you are not your feelings. Your feelings are only a guidance tool to let you know the inner issues that you need to look into.

As you feel clearer, ask yourself: what is it about the other person that's really bothering you? Again, using the example above, you might discover that you hate it when people go to all lengths to get another's attention - such as dressing flamboyantly, flirting disastrously, or being a drama queen. You might also realize the same feeling crops up again and again in other similar situations.

When you can grasp what it is about other people that bugs you most, ask yourself again: what would you like to change about them? (here, be clear that it's not really about intending to change another - for you can change no-one but yourself. it's just a question to help you look further on what's going on inside you.) So if you would like those flamboyant/flirty/over the top people to just drop their act and just be their natural selves and start believing in their lovability - all that could be the very thing that you need as well!

The third step is to be completely honest and look into yourself. Why would you need to act natural, believe in yourself and love yourself more? what are you lacking in your life? In this instance, you might find, for example, that it's because you expect your spouse to give you more attention, but you are not getting it.

Finally, find a solution. So what can you do to nurture yourself more instead of waiting for another to nurture you? Self love is the key: take time off for yourself, do what you love to do, etc.

Self-reflection is a lifelong process and could take a brief or a very long time to get to the core of your issues. Sometimes it would also seem that you are going round in circles. But each time you acknowledge your inner emotions you'd understand yourself a little better. And rest assured, there are always opportunities to work on them - in the form of people who push your most sensitive buttons!

Light of your Life
But what about good feelings? If you feel joy, fun and comfort around certain people, those are the same feelings that are also already in you. they can provide good insights too. Find out what it is that made you so happy when you are around them. It could be an undiscovered aspect of you that's waiting to come out!

For example, you recently meet someone you click with immediately. Around him, you feel such warmth, comfort and happiness! Here, see what you like most about your new friend. Perhaps it's the way he treats everyone like they are the most important people in the world. Perhaps it's the way he always tells the truth about himself. These qualities in him are actually the qualities that you have in you and you can bring them out and let them flourish.

The people you meet always carry with them a message or lesson for you; and vice versa. So make the best of every acquaintance and relationship - whether it's a brief interaction with someone on the bus or your relationship with your parents and spouse.

Again, it cannot be emphasized enough that every kind of feeling that you've ever had are created by you and never by someone else - so be responsible for them.

Hence, the next time you feel like throwing your laptop at your boss for making you angry, think twice and breathe deeply. Don't let blind anger shatter a priceless mirror that ironically is there to set you free from that same anger it triggered. Yes, it's difficult to accept that your boss and his lack of better qualities are a reflection of you, but at least you'd save some energy, no? And your laptop too...

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